Practicing gratitude during COVID times: how and why

Usually at this time I’d be all “THANKSGIVING IS HERE, SO LET’S BE SUPER GRATEFUL FOR ALL OF THE AWESOMENESS IN OUR LIVES…while also acknowledging the notsogreat roots of this holiday and the complicated feels it can bring up!”

But, you know, things are so so so so…just sooooooo hard/devastating/challenging/painful/insert-your-adjective-of-devastation-here right now. 

It can feel extremely disconnected and spiritualbypassing-y to even think about practicing gratitude at times like this. (If you’re unfamiliar, spiritual bypassing is using spirituality as a shield or barrier in order to avoid painful feelings or exploring hard topics. It’s fascinating.)

But it doesn’t have to be like that.

First, since gratitude is a term thrown around a lot by coachy types like me, here’s what it is:

Practicing gratitude means making a conscious decision to be grateful for…just about anything. The food you’re eating. That gift you received. Zoom. Hot water.  A smile from a stranger…whatever.  Anything. 

So…if you’re anticipating American Thanksgiving and have been wondering how to be grateful when there’s a global pandemic and you can’t see your family or friends and there’s an orange toddler refusing to concede a fair election and/or you think that Thanksgiving itself is icky, here’s how and why to practice gratitude during this Thanksgiving time (and at other times, of course!) without spiritual bypassing or toxic positivity.

On why to practice gratitude at times like this:

I want to be very clear: tools like this are not so we can spiritually bypass or encourage a privileged bubble where we ignore things like a pandemic, or systemic racism, patriarchy, capitalism, and all the other awfuls out there, just to make ourselves feel better.

Practicing gratitude is NOT THE SAME AS BEING RELENTLESSLY AND UNREALISTICALLY POSITIVE ALL THE TIME.

It actually means holding these two very powerful truths at the same time: 

Even though crappy things are happening…we can practice gratitude for the amazing and wonderful things that are happening as well.  

Being aware of BOTH of those are key. We do this to remind ourselves that the world and our lives are not either/or, all or nothing, or zero-sum, which is what scarcity thinking is rooted in.

After all, believing that everything is terrible all the time and toxic negativity is a distortion of reality, just as thinking everything is awesome all the time and toxic positivity is a distortion of reality.

So we practice gratitude to remember that there is nuance, that there are things and people to be grateful for, so we’re not so burdened by the hopelessness that can come from only looking at the awful, so we can honor the full range of our and the human experience, so we can take pleasure and joy in this life, so we can honor our desires and take them seriously…even when things are uncertain and scary.  

Honoring that good things happen doesn’t in any way pretend epic shittiness happens too.

BUT. What it does is remind us that the world is not all bad. 

The best thing about these is that these ways don’t in any way ignore reality…yet they can help you connect with some of the good that we’ve got in our world. Because there still is some! I PROMISE.
And here’s how to do it during this very strange and hard Thanksgiving:

Simply acknowledge everything you’re grateful for, as frequently and as fiercely as you can. Do it on your own, do it during your Zoomsgiving, do it with your pod, do it over social media…however you can, please do it!

Here are some of mine:

I’m so grateful to the healthcare professionals who have been working so hard for months, at much personal risk and without enough support
I’m so grateful for all the essential workers
I’m so grateful for Zoom
I’m so grateful for the people who wear masks
I’m so grateful for the scientists working on vaccines
I’m so grateful for the beauty of an east coast autumn
I’m so grateful for the ocean and parks and trees and nature
I’m so grateful for my sisters, for my family, for my amazing friends
I’m so grateful for music
I’m so grateful for my amazing niblings
I’m honestly just so grateful for so much

I’d like to share that as I created this list, I could feel my body change. I felt a weight lift from my chest. I felt incipient tears burn. My posture changed. I felt less pain in my body as I remembered that there is, in fact, SO MUCH to be grateful for. And that, loves, THAT IS WHY I PRACTICE GRATITUDE.

Again, that doesn’t change that there is a whole damn lot that is extremely painful right now.

And if you can’t get to a gratitudey place right now, I completely get it and am folding you up in a virtual yet very, very, loving hug. 

Managing your Election Day anxiety & feels

Actual photo of me and my Election Day related anxiety.*

Okay, I’ll be real with you. I have some major anxiety about Election Day! And I am doing pretty much anything I can think of to manage that anxiety, because…

a) I don’t enjoy the physical or mental agita or sensations that come from heightened cortisol

b) I’m taking care of my niblings all day and night tomorrow (their mama/my sister is a doctor and she’s working a 24 hour shift) and I don’t want to freak them out with my anxiety 

c) GAHHHHHHHH! (That’s my Edvard Munchian primal scream.)

I’m guessing I’m not the only person who feels this way! So here are some other strategies I’ll be using on Election Day. I hope they’re helpful to you as well! And, please comment below to share some of yours as well!

1. Normalize. It is TOTES NORMAL to feel anxious when we feel like things are out of control or unknown, and there’s a whole lot we legitimately can’t control and don’t know right now. So…give yourself some love, compassion, and understanding. If you’re feeling anxious, it is reasonable to feel anxious!

2. Take action. If you haven’t voted yet, do it! Make a plan and get it done. Voting is really the only part of the election process you can control, so do it! If you early or absentee voted, make sure your ballot was received and is valid, and if you haven’t voted yet, get thee to your polling place and be counted.

3. Help others vote. Text bank or make calls, or maybe someone’s absentee ballot didn’t arrive in time or they missed a signature, so they need to vote in person…but they don’t have a way to get to the polls. You can be their hero! Wear a mask and help them get there!

4. Purge the tension from your body, cuz it’s not good to hold it in. Dance. Jump. Run full out. Scream into a pillow…do what you can to get the tension and stress out of your body.

5. If nature is nourishing to you, get yourself into nature as often as possible. Go outside if you can, listen to whatever sound nature is creating right now. Wind, rain, waves. birds squawking as they fly south…do the nature. Get yourself some flowers, collect some leaves…go to a mountain top or the ocean or a park…whatever works, just do the nature.

6. Don’t. Listen. To. Or. Watch. The. News. Okay, that’s so not going to happen, but as much as possible, reduce how much “news” you take in tomorrow. Absolutely none of it will be accurate anyway, other than calling CA and NY for Biden and Idaho and Wyoming for Trump. (Sigh, Idaho.) Seriously. All it will do is upset you and create even more anxiety, so I implore and urge and encourage you…reduce your news intake. 

7. Distract yourself. Do something fiddly that takes up mental space, like being creative, playing with kids, talking to friends and family, or reading a book. Watch something on Netflix or your streaming platform of choice! (I just watched The Queen’s Gambit on Netflix, and it is sooooo gooooood!) Bury yourself in work or do a project you’ve been meaning to do. 

8. Avoid social media. Again, that’s probably not going to happen, but as much as possible, reduce how much you’re on social media. It heightens anxiety during regular times, and this isn’t regular. Plus, as with the media, none of it will be accurate anyway, Seriously. All it will do is upset you and create even more anxiety, so I implore and urge and encourage you…stay off the Facebook and the Twitter as much as you can. 

9. Do an anxiety dump. If none of these are working, don’t judge yourself. This is a tremendously anxiety producing time! So, do an anxiety dump in your journal, go for a walk and share your anxieties with a particularly sturdy looking tree, or with a friend or family member who says they can handle it, or you can dump it here. I won’t know who it’s coming from, so it’s totally confidential for you to dump it all out! 

10. Set boundaries and respect others’ boundaries. You may have people in your life who want to dump their anxiety on you, but you don’t have the capacity to handle it at this time. It is a-okay to set that boundary with them! 

If they try to do an anxiety dump on you (see #6) and you don’t want to hear it, say lovingly and firmly: “I love you and I hear that you want to share this, but I just don’t have the capacity to handle this right now.”

And if someone says that to you, please respect their boundary and find someone else to hear your anxiety.

11. Do things that boost your pleasure and oxytocin. Hugs and cuddles, orgasms, chocolate, cannolis (that’s my go-to when I’m in NY!), a hot bath, pet an animal, tell someone you love them, vitamin D, meditate, acupuncture, yoga, massage, dance break to your favorite songs, hydrate, rest…you get the idea.

Although I’m not opposed to emotional eating at times like this (see: cannolis!), only you can know whether that cannoli or comfort food will be the comfort you desire…or whether it’ll upset your tummy or make your joints angry or have some other negative impact. Comfort yourself, but don’t be self-destructive about it. Same goes for drinking or weed any other substances. 

12. Get your personal support team together. We’re going to need hugs, be they virtual or in person. We’re going to need people we can dump to, who will validate and support us through our anxiety. We’re going to need scream partners and laugh partners, and people who will remind us to boost our pleasure and oxytocin.

13. It’s okay to NOT talk to certain people. Sooo, you might love and care about people who have very different beliefs from you. If it’s not nourishing to talk to them right now, give yourself permission not to talk to them.  

14. Now is not the time to skip your medication(s). If you take any medications—whether they’re for mental health or physical health—now is the time to make sure you’re 100% compliant. Your meds impact your body processes and they impact your brain, and skipping them if you’re used to them is disruptive and can create more agita for your bod and mind. So, don’t skip them anyway, and definitely don’t skip them for the next few days. 

15. Seek support from your healthcare provider or therapist if the anxiety or depression becomes too much. You’re worthy of receiving support. Please receive it.

16. Seek support if your sobriety is at risk due to election-related (or otherwise) anxiety or depression. Again, you’re worthy of support, and you’ve worked so hard. Please let your peeps support you. 

One last thing: Just know that we’re not going to know for awhile. It is uncomfortable and anxiety producing not to know something that we REALLY want to—and need to—know. But, the truth is, we’re very likely not going to know the outcome for days, maybe even weeks. So…just know that. 

Surrender to the discomfort of not-knowing. Tap into your team, take care of yourself, and know…

My friends, we’ll get through this. And, I’m here for you on Election Day if you need to do an anxiety dump! You can do it here or you can <a href="http://reach out to me. 

Much love to you!

  xoxo

* Thanks to Edvard Munch for his brilliant and very apropos painting, “The Scream”.